What Confidence Is (and Isn't)
by Marta Kagan
Business Coach, Life Coach & Motivational Speaker


*What Confidence Is.*

Traditionally, confidence is defined as "trust in" or "reliance
upon". When you have self-confidence, you trust in, or rely upon,
yourself. Possessing confidence in yourself means believing that you
have the ability to become, achieve or acquire whatever you want.

Have you ever met a person whom you'd describe as "magnetic"? A
magnetic person is someone who literally radiates confidence. They
exude certainty, assurance and charisma. We are drawn to confident
people because their belief in themselves is more attractive than
perfect features or careful grooming. They instill in us a much-
desired sense of security; a feeling that, no matter what happens,
you can count on them to make decisions and take action in a manner
that produces an acceptable outcome.

Whether a confident individual actually does (or doesn't) produce
an "acceptable outcome" depends largely on the individual, the
situation, and our rather subjective definition of
what's "acceptable". The difference that confidence makes in this
equation is that our perspective and memory of an experience is
dramatically improved when we feel that "we're in good hands".

Confidence is magnetic, powerful and profound. It's the calm voice
amidst chaos. It's the firm hand on your shoulder when you're lost
in a crowd. It's what legends and leaders are made of.
*What Confidence Isn't.*
One of the biggest reasons why self-confidence is such a rare
quality is because most people believe one or more of the following
three common misconceptions to be true.

Misconception 1: Confidence is a by-product of exceptional
knowledge, beauty, experience, or talent.

Confidence is NOT merely a by-product of exceptional knowledge,
beauty, experience or talent. Confidence is about faith, trust,
belief. How many times have you seen, known, or heard about the
beautiful, talented, successful individual who is painfully or even
self-destructively insecure? Despite their natural gifts, these
individuals lack basic trust or belief in themselves.

I've known people who were stunning and insecure; brilliant and
awkward; talented and paralyzed by stage-fright. And I've know
people with crooked teeth, average intelligence and no sense of
style to speak of who radiated charisma.

Brains, beauty and talent certainly can't hurt you – but self-
confidence is not directly related to any of them.

Misconception 2: Confidence is not something you can learn or
develop; you either have it or you don't.

If there is one thing humans are, it's infinitely adaptable. When I
was a physical therapist, I worked with people who lost limbs or the
ability to move or feel portions of their bodies and yet, with help
and perseverance, they were able to learn new ways of moving and
functioning. Despite the fact that they had done things one way
(i.e. writing with their right hand) for decades, they were able to
learn a new way of doing the same things (writing with their left-
hand or in some cases, using their mouth) in a matter of weeks or
months.

Self-confidence can be learned and developed. It's as simple as that.

Misconception 3: A person's level of confidence is directly tied to
the amount of validation, praise, or recognition they receive.

While praise and validation certainly help people feel good about
themselves, they are by nature transient, conditional things, and
therefore not a reliable way to sustain one's self-confidence.

Confidence is about believing in something or someone in spite of
the fact that you have no evidence this thing or person deserves
belief. When you tell someone that you have confidence in them, you
are saying, "I believe in you." Even if they have no prior record of
accomplishing whatever it is you believe they can accomplish.

Think back to when you were a child, learning to ride a bike or hit
a baseball for the very first time. Your parents told you that you
could do it, and even though you might have been scared, you did.
You had confidence in your ability to do something despite the fact
that you'd never done it before. There was the chance that you'd
fail; that your effort would not bear fruit; but you didn't focus on
that. You had confidence in yourself.

Do you remember a time when you believed in yourself? When the
words "I can't" simply weren't a part of your vocabulary? It's
amazing how as children, we inherently believe in ourselves. We're
willing to try just about anything; we think we're immortal! Whether
we get praised or recognized for our efforts or not, we're willing
to try something new.

The bottom line is, no amount of praise is going to build your self-
confidence, because confidence comes from internal resources.
Compliments, praise and recognition ring hollow unless you believe
in yourself.

*The First Step to Building Self-Confidence.*

So the good news is that you can develop self-confidence; and you
don't have to lose 20 pounds or get a makeover or become fluent in 3
languages to get started. But you do have to define what confidence
means to you. What would your life be like if you had abundant self-
confidence? How would you look, act, feel? How would others respond
to you?

The first step in any process of change is identifying what the
ideal state you're working toward is. After all, how can you get
what you want if you don't quite know what that is?

Take a few minutes to really ponder these questions. Answer them in
writing. Define your personal definition of confidence and use it as
a starting point for developing a deep and lasting belief in
yourself.

© 2004 Marta Kagan


ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Business coach and life coach Marta Kagan has helped countless
professionals achieve more success, freedom, and balance in their
lives. To find out more about Marta's innovative products and
services and sign up for FREE confidence-building tips like these,
visit her website at http://www.lifelinecoaching.com